Gilmore Girls, watching round 2

I’m on season 4 of Gilmore Girls. This is where a lot of crazy starts to happen (it sounds funny after having just watched the episode where Lorelai invites Luke over to watch Casablanca, and Marty naked in the hall lol) and I’m bracing myself for it. Last night I saw the episode when Richard enters business with Jason and I think I remember he turns out to be a rat, that’s gonna be hard in my feelings.

Also the Gilmore Girls marathon was on this last week and a lot of people were tweeting along, it was fun to have a few on board in the rewatch!

So my recorded notes the last couple of weeks:

Been rewatching Gilmore Girls

Wanted to have this chronicled:

They say we should be scared, but we are done being scared

I feel an obligation to write something about what’s happening in Puerto Rico.

I know I don’t have one, but I feel like I have to. I’ll be using words from the flood of information that we’ve been drowning in this week, both because I’m too empty and tired to make up my own and also because some have been so piercing that they deserved to be shared.

As you might see from the titles of the news, the people of Puerto Rico want to governor to resign.  This because:

1) This week we had the luck of reading a leaked Telegram chat (apparently this is an app resembling Whasap that the government uses) where the governor:

refers to women as ‘sluts’ and makes vulgar remarks like “I want her to suck my dick”

makes fun of overweight people

clearly states that the government withheld help received during the hurricane so he could control it and distribute it as he saw fit, taking all the credit for the goods as if the government had paid the cost

made fun of the dead people being buried

basically shows how he presented himself as one  thing but turned out to be another completely different

he shared this chat with various advisors, all equally trashy as he is

2) His Secretary of Education robbed millions of dollars from the Department of Education. When his father was the governor of Puerto Rico one of the biggest scandals was the conviction of his then Secretary of Education for corruption, so deja vu.

3) His Secretary of Health robbed millions of dollars from the Department of Health.

4) We knew he had schemed in disfavour of the people, but we either gave him chances or didn’t had actual proof of the schemes. Now we do.

Our hearts are broken, but our spirits are intact.

They say we should be scared because if he leaves everything will be a mess, the economy will suffer, tourism will get hurt, shit will go down.

But this is the same island that had a category five hurricane strike right through it. We had no water, no power service, no hospitals, no medicine, no food, no roads… that hurricane took many things from us, and one of them was the fear of not having any of those things.

They say we should be scared, but nothing hurts us more than remembering four thousand six hundred and forty five persons died because he didn’t want to help us as we deserved, and then he MADE JOKES ABOUT FEEDING THEM TO THE VULTURES.

They say we should be scared, but nothing will take more money from us than the group of white collar thief’s sucking the money out of our funds.

They say we should be scared, but we are done being scared, we are fucking angry. We know our power. And they should be scared.

I will not forget

My cousin came to visit a few weeks back. He has been living in Florida for almost 15 years.

He sat in our living room and we laughed and talked and of course, the hurricane came up. He sobered up and said “oh my God. That was a horrible week. I had such a horrible time.”

And I almost slapped him. “YOU had a horrible week?! Bitch, you will not sit there and tell me that you, back at home with your power and your running water, and your hospitals open and your not destroyed surroundings, had a horrible week. Shut up right now, I’ll tell you about a horrible week.”

I mentioned that we had to shower outside, we had to collect rain water, we had to ration potable water because we didn’t knew when we were going to be able to get more. We had no phones, so we couldn’t call anyone. Communications were so badly affected that the governor, having the highest tech in the island, was giving out wrong information because news traveled so slowly from one place to the other.

He knew all of that. I said “but what you don’t know, what you can’t see, is the fear. It was a lingering fear, one that ran so deep sometimes you couldn’t put your finger on it.” What’s this feeling that covers us like a veil, at all times? Oh, right, we are scared.

I would go outside with Little J and literally physically guard her as she walked because suddenly any fall that could result in an open injury was terrifying: hospitals were mostly closed, but the ones that were open were very risky to go to. Most had no generators for the first weeks, or only had them for the first days, so bacteria and infections  hijacked entire wings. People would go to be treated for one thing and suddenly got an infection and just died because basic medication was so scarce. I’m a hysterical mom, so we didn’t played outside much during that critical time.

Emergency agencies seemed to be something that didn’t exist. We needed medication, no one could get it. We needed water and food, it took weeks for people to receive it. When we started getting news from outside, it looked like help was not coming because ports were impenetrable. I mean, all that big water.

I heard the president say that only 30 people died in a conference room, right before throwing paper towels (PAPER TOWELS) and I couldn’t believe no one corrected him. Portable military freezers were filled with bodies without logging information because no agency could keep official records in an effective way, and we saw that in the news, so how didn’t he knew?

The missing list was on the hundreds within the first week after the hurricane, how didn’t he knew?

We had reported deaths of asthma patients who couldn’t power their nebulisers within the first few weeks, and how didn’t he knew?

We had a break out of influenza and leptospirosis in october, how didn’t he knew.

I’m not a crier, but I cried every day. Well, it was mostly every night. Tears would just come out from mental exhaustion, frustration and terror. All the what if’s clouded my mind and for the first time in my entire life, I couldn’t sleep well, no matter how tired I was. I started waking up and staying awake for hours, mostly before sunrise.

So, no. I’m not forgetting any of what happened, or anything that’s been said. By anyone. I will not forget.

I will not forget.

Behind the Mountains

“Mamá behind those mountains is Puerto Rico.”

“Darling, Puerto Rico is hugging us right now.”

“How you mean?”

“It is hugging us with the breeze, and the sky, and the sound of the trees and the birds, and the shadow, and all this green.”

Close your eyes so you can feel it. It is right here and right inside your heart.

 

 

At twenty three I could make up a story out of thin air as easy as I was breathing. Words would flow out of my hands, and out of my mouth and out of my soul so easily, so freely, so true.

It was second nature to create little words out of tiny ideas. One thought would keep on untangling forever and I relished it’s own will with glee.

Then I spent more time with images and then in my early thirties, I mixed the two. And then I got ashamed of it all. Ashamed of the magic I used to make stories, because magic was not decent, hard work and anything that wasn’t related to decent hard work was shameful.

My brain shut down all the magical corners and all I could get from it, outside of work, was silence. A profound and dark silence. I lost all my moods around that time too. Normal jokes that would usually get a cackle out of me, didn’t tickle me anymore. But for my Baby J I kept a bit of my creative going.

I seeded that bit and it started to bloom after I moved out of a miserable relationship that sucked me almost dry of all me. To my surprised, it bloomed. It’s first leaves where just newfound laughter and words. I began to talk again, make conversation. And little by little I got me back, not exactly as I was before mind you, but a whole of me. One that recognises itself again, one with a voice and a brain full of magical corners – different, but magical.

So now my brain is full of ideas, and sometimes they come up at random moments. Like today I was driving and thinking of Dragon and how much I did love him, enough to write him the most stories and how I could still write him a few more. I don’t know anything about him now, but I can still remember his touch and the way he made me giggle with joy and that untangles into a story, or three.

And I dreamed a character a few weeks ago and she was so amazing. She came up quietly passing by and smiled going away without a bang, but I thought of so many different things for her to do.

Maybe I’ll go write some of those.

Puerto Rico is OPEN FOR BUSINESS

A few hours after the hurricane we were able to turn on a radio and I started scanning every single millimetre of the dial trying to find a signal.

You know those movies about the end of the world when they suddenly realise how fucked up they really are because no radio works? That was the scene. Except my little girl was in the room with me and I couldn’t show in my face what my heart and my mind were feeling. No matter how many times I went backwards and forwards, the only sound I could find was static and I had to tell my girl that was ok.

That’s what keeps coming to my mind today whenever someone mentions the Tonight’s Show recording in Puerto Rico. I’m sure everyone has a similar memory because at work everyone would just start crying whenever we showed each other the clips.

If you have never experience what it is to live in a place that isolated, to know that it was up to you as a community to bring everything back up, you have no idea what it feels to watch this:

My eyes tear up because my island, my beautiful maiden, she’s looking so much better now! Look at those green mountains! Look at those smiling faces!

Jimmy said it in his show and I just want to remind you; we are ready for you! Come show up and enjoy this magical little piece of heart called Puerto Rico where every party looks a little like this:

Have a great one peeps!

Been wanting to write

I have been wanting to write pretty much every moment of every day since I started working.

Waves of stories plague my mind and I have to take my eyes off the excel table on my computer screen and stare at a corner of my cubicle for just a second, just to feel their touch and then, inevitably and always with regret, I have to let them go to continue whichever mundane task I have to waste my brain with.

Those excel tables translate into the ability to have adventures and experiences with my girl and I am truly thankful. But my boss is crazy and that’s made some days. I don’t mean crazy as in I say she’s crazy just because her attitude is wrong or the way she treats others is horrible, but crazy as in she’s sick with anger, resentment and low self esteem and needs lots of help. And probably love too.

And I’ve been wanting to write about how my little girl loves to sit with my ninety three year old grandma in her bed and look at magazines and my hearts feels so full I have to hold my breath at the thought.

I wanted to write about that house’s street corner. How it looks so bland and boring now but twenty years ago we talked about it at least once a month because cars kept crashing on it, breaking the gate and hitting the house, basically parking inside the living room.

The other day I had to make a call to the customer service department of the company I worked for several years ago and the guy that gave me the orientation sounded very much like the trainer from hell that I had there and thought I should write about it because, he’s still there being miserable.

And I was thinking the other day while driving that when I was in college I used to hit the signal light stick with such power it sounded as if I was going to break it and now I barely touch it and that must be some kind of life parallel.

A couple of days ago the gossip dude at work came up to me just to ask me if I have a boyfriend and I said no one in that building should ask me that question so he said “oh, it was going to be in your interest but ok” and I somehow reached into my pocket of sass, unused since approximately 2008 and got out a “oh! Is someone giving me money?!” And everyone that looks at me knows I couldn’t care less about money but that shut that dude down like BURNED. He turned around to say “this one thinks she’s the smartest cookie around here!” And now he limits his interactions to the appropriate good morning only.

I definitely had something to write about the night we had a tropical depression coming through the island and at some point during the night I woke up with my heart racing because the rain was pounding on the windows and the wind was blowing and I felt fleeting despair. It took me about twenty minutes to control my body from going into full on emergency mode. During the day gas stations had been full with hour long lines from everyone filling their tanks. Water and non-perishables ran out in some supermarkets because people remembered how there was thirst and hunger on the days after the Hurricane Maria. A few moments later while I was trying to convince myself I could sleep the power went off and I prepared myself to deal with the power generator for weeks. The power came back about an hour later and it was morning when I stopped waiting for it to go off again.

But alas, I haven’t written the stories that knocked my brain and thus, this must make do.

Hurricane Maria study

One story.

Una de esas tragedias, el papá de un amigo:
“Mi papá murió en el el hospital Pavía el 27 de septiembre. Le dio un ataque de corazón el sábado 23. En el hospital no había luz, personal limitado, y la medicina necesaria, Lovenox, se terminó el lunes 25. Cuando la doctora me lo indicó yo la pude conseguir en Houston. El martes por la mañana salí para Miami para interceptar un vuelo de FedEx que llevó la medicina a Puerto Rico. En aduanas no había luz y no tramitaron el release. Finalmente dejaron que mi primo recogiera la medicina a las 9AM. Papi murió a las 8:30AM.”

Brief translation: “my father had a heart attack September 23. Hospital had no power and limited personnel. They ran out of Lovenox, his treatment Monday 25. Tuesday I intercepted a flight on Miami that took the medicine to PR. Customs had no power and did not released. Finally they let my cousin pick up the medicine at 9am. My father died at 8:30a”.

That’s just one story. Getting sick or wounded in September or even November in PR meant you had very low possibilities of getting treatment.

It was terrifying.

Just had to share.