Wow. That’s a great word to begin this post; a great big WOW.
What a day it was today! Today was the day that the roller coaster that messed up my life almost a month ago now (I think) came to a crashing end. Dragon (because seriously if you didn’t suspected him to be behind my woes you began reading me during these days, HELLO! And then you should search this blog for that nick name, Dragon, and see how he was broken me in little pieces) put a bomb at the end of the ride and I walked out with many bleeding holes, bruises and traumas; but guys, none of my limbs are missing.
And that is how this day is different from all the other days when I’ve whine about him and us and my stupidity.
I don’t want to go into it, I’m sorry if that makes this post worst than it might be already but 1) I really don’t want to go through that and 2) it will be repeating myself AGAIN, just as it has been for four years. It’s been written here before and not one more time, so help me God.
Which is what I said when I hung up the phone crying today; not one more time, so help me God. I’ve cried consistently for so long I feel like I’ve grieved enough. I’ve cried about this break up long before today. My happiness has been sucked out; there is no more to release.
And so, this time, I dried my tears, I put on my mask and I’ve spent the day as any other. Well I have forgotten my pen everywhere and I hit my head with silastic tubing several times when I caught myself thinking about this, but whatever.
I know from past experience that breaking down and being miserable will not make anything better, I can’t feel sadden because I lost him because I never had him to begin with, I can’t feel sadder period; my tank has been empty for quiet a while now.
I’ve held on to all this mess all this time and today is the first time I’m threatening myself that I have to let go if it’s the last thing I do. I know I need a miracle because there is no human power (specially mine) that can deal with all the layers of fucked up that I have, but I’ll do all I can and I will, for the first time in too long pray for ME that I get fixed.
I don’t plan on moping around, in fact my plan of going out during the weekends to shoot pictures and smell fresh air is now a priority. I will not consciously put myself in any situation that might trigger a melt down; those moments will come without my calling and when they do my intention is to kick them the fuck away as best I can. I know there will be times when it will be impossible, I’ll use my anger ride as long as I can and then… well I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t have the crying myself to sleep down to an art.
It’s particularly hard for me to mend this wound because we are theoretically a perfect couple, when we’ve been together it’s been so perfect it we could make people gag and it’s very sad that two people that can have so much together have to settle for having nothing being apart.
Such is life though, right? Things don’t work out perfect too often. I have to accept that.
PD If you want to give me a little virtual boost I will be forever thankful if you share websites that you think are awesome to visit daily, any content is welcome; I’m trying to expand my daily read.