Listening to a lot of hard rock over here, you?

One day, far from now, I’ll have an entry about the last two weeks.  About the emotional roller coaster that I rode, one that took me higher than I’ve ever been, where I lifted my arms to the sky delighted to feel the cold wind in my face (finally!); I was almost victorious and if you heard someone yelling “YEAH!” last weekend, that was me.
And then that motherbitcher swerved two curves, one to each side at 70mph while free falling and the shock delayed my response, so when I got out I found myself barely holding my head over my shoulders.
Literally, by last Wednesday (which is yesterday in normal days) I didn’t knew if I had my head on or not, to the point that I was asking people to tell me how to feel because I don’t have those censors working anymore.  Should I be angry or happy, should I start drinking my way to be miserable or celebrate?  ORIENTATION PEOPLE, someone needs it over here.

Lets just say that it was like going to a wonderful place, something like paradise where everything is perfect and then when I got out and reached the parking lot the whole place exploded and I was left to pick up the pieces of myself.  And like I said, I’m not sure I found my head.

If I were younger there would be days of angst ahead.  I would quickly scribble a couple of stories about razor cuts and blood and begin a sort of gothic period where the layout of this blog would be black with black fonts.  But I’m not nineteen anymore, I’m practically thirty and I’m too tired.
So tired that I discovered that my crying when I’m devastated now rarely includes sobbing, I don’t have strength to sob anymore!  The tears just pour out without any effort on my part what so ever.

I’m also wise enough to know this won’t last forever, even though I feel like it will, my many years of experience tell me that logically it won’t.  And so help me God, I will pass SOON because waking up and not knowing weather I feel sad, disappointed, happy, surprised, shocked, hurt, hopeful or devastated affects weather I want to have breakfast or not, to shower or not, to wear clothes or not, to do my makeup or not, to live or not; and that is all too fucking annoying for another week.

So yeah, there was a little storm over these waters and it was good while it was good and it then it was bad and now I don’t know what it is.  Basically then, nothing has changed; yet, it has.

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9 thoughts on “Listening to a lot of hard rock over here, you?

    • narami says:

      Well, virtual beers are cheerfully accepted over here, and believe me; I’m very thankful for the offer it cheers me up all the same. Salud! 🙂

      & you didn’t knew but you’ve been helping with your posts. On days like the ones I had I am very thankful for every single person I read in the internet, your words give me something to read and take my mind off my crazy, which is priceless.

      Like

      • geekhiker says:

        Consider the virtual beer bought, then! Heck, I’ll buy the rounds all night. Even through in a big ‘ol supportive bear-hug too.

        LOL – I was thinking when I first read that that my posting hasn’t been all that good lately. But as a distraction? Sure, I guess they’re good for that. 😉

        Like

  1. kristy says:

    girl, you shouldda so been at my place last night. you could revel in what you’re feeling, but celebrate it with other girlies who also celebrating and feeling it at the same time. **hugs and then some**

    Like

  2. narami says:

    Reblogged this on de monte y mar and commented:

    For my I Remember series:

    I think I wrote this the last time that Dragon left me. He left me many times; before going to Irak the first time, before going the second time, while in Irak, when he got back… he left me MANY times, but I think this was the last time – I’m sure this was the time when it hit me the most.
    I love to read how my words were so fast, they stumbled out of me and it reads right through. All the confusion is right there. It contracts so wonderfully with how paused and calm I write (and am) now. *smiles*
    It felt like a storm inside (and now you can sing Let It Go on your mind for the rest of the day, you’re welcome) and since the actual storm Erika didn’t pass through Puerto Rico (and I’m grateful) I’m sharing this one.

    I hope you have a fun weekend.

    Like

  3. 76sanfermo says:

    I ‘ve met you ( just in the blogosphere) only a few days ago and the inmediate impression was to be in front of a very lively and enthusiastic person….
    I don’t entirely know what happened to you , but I’d like to be there , to listen to your sorrows , while hugging you tightly….
    Te lo digo en español que es mi idioma del alma: estamos todos contigo, amiga!
    Besos,
    A.

    Like

    • narami says:

      Hola A! Primero que nada, gracias por la solidaridad; que lindo que a través de este medio podamos ofrecernos ese apoyo 🙂

      Pero, para aclarar; esto lo escribí en octubre del 2009. Quizás la introducción no estuvo muy clara. La mayoría de los viernes hago una serie que llamo I Remember sobre algún evento, momento, lugar, memoria… en fin, algo que recuerde del pasado. Muchas veces re-posteo posts anteriores, precisamente para recordarlos y contemplar.

      En esta ocasión precisamente decía al principio que me gozaba de ver la diferencia tan marcada entre la forma que escribí esto y como escribo ahora. Para aquel entonces dejaba que me salieran todas las palabras de un golpe y ahora soy mucho más calmada.

      En fin, que no estoy pasando por esto ahora, gracias a Dios.

      Tengas un muy buen fin de semana y gracias por dar la vuelta por acá.

      Like

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