One day, far from now, I’ll have an entry about the last two weeks. About the emotional roller coaster that I rode, one that took me higher than I’ve ever been, where I lifted my arms to the sky delighted to feel the cold wind in my face (finally!); I was almost victorious and if you heard someone yelling “YEAH!” last weekend, that was me.
And then that motherbitcher swerved two curves, one to each side at 70mph while free falling and the shock delayed my response, so when I got out I found myself barely holding my head over my shoulders.
Literally, by last Wednesday (which is yesterday in normal days) I didn’t knew if I had my head on or not, to the point that I was asking people to tell me how to feel because I don’t have those censors working anymore. Should I be angry or happy, should I start drinking my way to be miserable or celebrate? ORIENTATION PEOPLE, someone needs it over here.
Lets just say that it was like going to a wonderful place, something like paradise where everything is perfect and then when I got out and reached the parking lot the whole place exploded and I was left to pick up the pieces of myself. And like I said, I’m not sure I found my head.
If I were younger there would be days of angst ahead. I would quickly scribble a couple of stories about razor cuts and blood and begin a sort of gothic period where the layout of this blog would be black with black fonts. But I’m not nineteen anymore, I’m practically thirty and I’m too tired.
So tired that I discovered that my crying when I’m devastated now rarely includes sobbing, I don’t have strength to sob anymore! The tears just pour out without any effort on my part what so ever.
I’m also wise enough to know this won’t last forever, even though I feel like it will, my many years of experience tell me that logically it won’t. And so help me God, I will pass SOON because waking up and not knowing weather I feel sad, disappointed, happy, surprised, shocked, hurt, hopeful or devastated affects weather I want to have breakfast or not, to shower or not, to wear clothes or not, to do my makeup or not, to live or not; and that is all too fucking annoying for another week.
So yeah, there was a little storm over these waters and it was good while it was good and it then it was bad and now I don’t know what it is. Basically then, nothing has changed; yet, it has.